why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
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