True but thats because hes a fetus.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
