i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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