does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
