I accidentally burped into my bong.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
