dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
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She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
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I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
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