He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
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The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
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Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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