Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I think my moral compass just broke
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
