weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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