I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Never joke about your clitoris.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
