No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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