can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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