Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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