Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Even my vagina gasped.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
