So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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