He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
