got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
