Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
