i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
