If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Still dying that you shit outside
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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