Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
