I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
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Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
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Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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