Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
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At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
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I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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