this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
