I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
