The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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