She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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