please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
