i just made my gag reflex go away.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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