You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
