Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
