Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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