If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Do you remember whose house we're in?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
