She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
