If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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