If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
