Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
