At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Less talking, more tequila
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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