I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
