I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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