I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
