The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
