He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
