I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
