dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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