Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
