it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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