god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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