some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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