after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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