My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
