Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
