and my herpes radar will keep us safe
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
