I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
