Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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