Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home