Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
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Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
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when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Sorry about my life...