I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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