What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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