John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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