we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
