thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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