I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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