I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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