Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
